B for Bothered.

on my way home in the LRT… wala ako sa sarili ko, inside the train, im thinking everything and namalayan ko nalang nasa Cubao na ako, Legarda to Cubao i possessed with sadness, tulala walang gana. them i got home, my mom said “kumain ka na” then i replied “wala ako gana” then i go to my room and take my rest, but it keeps bothering me, asking “bakit ako nagkakaganito?” napapadalas nanaman ang pagiging magagalitin ko, stressed ba ako? o sadyang marami lang ang iniisip ko? then i grabbed my guitar and play Collide and Biglaan, and i realised what is the reason why we collided, and is it too fast for us  to have this and that (biglaan). then i get my pencil and yellow pad paper and start to write……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

vague which cause of confusion turns to give up things, im not saying i give up on things which i have and things to have. bothering, sometimes we need to receive and not only to give, nauubos din ang tubig sa baso kapag nagpapainom ka, nauubusan din tayo; kailangan din natin tumanggap minsan kahit papaano ng kakaunting patak ng tubig, hindi naman kailangan na madami o malaki ang ating hilingin, yung sapat lang, to fill up what is empty or lost.

every sorry has a new beginning, has a new word to say, and has a new “hi” to utter, sometimes sorry means goodbye, but im not saying goodbye, im quite bothered. i love someONE but im being ignored always, di ako nababothered sa pag ignore, but in Loving someONE which i dont know if shes serious on what im doing. on my previous blog entry i quoted the work of Nicholas Sparks saying “I finally understood what true love meant…love meant that you care for another person’s happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be.” i always make her smile, and happy; when we are together i like to point my finger to her nose or cheeks, walking too far to prolong the time that we are together. but started to think, am i doing this to make me smile, because shes not interested, for the jokes, and things ive done to make her happy? or am i pointing my own nose because shes not there to point mine? or am i walking to myself to prolong the pain of my feet? am i all doing this just for myself, because i see a black and white, and not her existence of red and blue.

im being skeptic nowadays, by her refusals… im asking why? then i realised im not her ideal guy! yes im tall, im not smart (a frustrated underdog law student, not even posted his name on top 30 golden stags), and not handsome. im just a simple guy who wants to make comfortable when we are together, a guy who balance everything just to make sure that everything is okay and no one to his responsibilities get left behind, a guy who pursue things to feel that he is unique; pero para daw ako si _____  she said, i know im not like him but sobrang lungkot ko, i try to have a new perspective in life, after all the sacrifices like what Nicholas Sparks said to make someone happy ay katulad parin pa pala ako sa pangkaraniwang tao.

now am i certain with what i have said above? your mood affects the way you feel and the way you write….. or maybe im tired or stressed! just like what the song said IM INLOVE and IM TERRIFIED.

Walking and You Are not There.

early morning while on my way home, i realised something different, something unusual in my daily routine, on my average everydayness, that makes my existence very unique – that it does not matter how long, how far the road, as long as it feels right and good to make you happy, pursue it. Leo Tolstoy said “if you want to be happy, be” simple as that.

happiness is a choice, like choosing between to our dilemmas, happiness is also a experienced matter that you cant say if it is not materialized, im not saying MATERIAL HAPPINESS, but both feeling and materialization that defines what true happiness are. it cant be feeling only coz that makes happiness an absolute state, it cant be a material only coz that makes happiness a hedonistic form – makes man into a animal form. it should be good feeling and materialization.

now the case is, im alone walking way to home while others preparing for their breakfast (buying pandesal, and it smells good), going to terminal waiting for the jeeps to arrive to go to their workplace, which are opposite to me (4:30am im walking thru home to get some sleep), accompanying with the cicada music night. on my way home alone, feeling your presence in every step i take, in every fresh air of morning i breathe and it seems im not getting tired although i have no sleep since yesterday, thinking of you, what are you doing, how are you, are you okay, are you sick, or you are doing well, im thinking of you everyday, i want to be with you everyday but we need to balance everything, we need to take our responsibilities, the other. it must be yin and a yang (balance) without disregarding or refuse other responsibilities, but il make time always in all. now i close my eyes while walking, attempting to reach our home with close eyes, the road, also after i open my eyes you are there beside me. but then again you are not there.

sometimes i want to chat, text, or even invite you to watch some movies… but i just cant coz i dont want to disturb you in your studies, i just dont want to be a reason for your failure… now i want to hold your hands… but your not here to hold mine, you are not here to comfort me to my worries and miseries. but i understand everything that we do. we need to be strong and focus to other works. we need this in order to balance everything, and in order to make a foundation to be happy together. =)

The very Essence of the Story.

i will start this entry in my own quotation “Life is not a race, but it is a Living” and let this Brewed Coffee help me to expound this matter while Jayson Mraz’s Im Yours as my background.

why is that? hmmmm (thinking) sabi nga “ang bagay na dinaan sa madalian, madali rin mawawala” but i think its not always like that… but i will not focus the discussion on the result of this sayings, but rather to give the very essence of the given saying.

last day was a nice day! im excited before and a big smile on my face after… but in between im nervous, im not drinking coffee that time but im shaking, palpitating, and my heart beats triple times unlike ordinary, maybe its cold? hmmm not really but i cant explain why im experiencing that. Dark chocolate MilkTea and Ham and Cheese Sandwich companied me for almost 3 hours of waiting. but just i have said before i dont mind how long i take to see a special person for a minute, waiting for me is worth it. the waiter approach me, “wala pa sir?”, then i replied “wala pa eh, baka maya-maya” but honestly i have no assurances if she will come, but im strongly trust her that she will visit me or a glimpse. for me, TRUST is the highest feeling that you can express or give to a person and even to yourself. it is synonymous to a term BELIEVE and LOVE, all have similar essence but it gives a different perspective and usage. …then she came and she was staring at me for 15minutes outside the shop and eliminating her bad moods before face me. but i saw to her face that shes not okay, i dont know what she thinking, and im guilty inside, i did nothing to relieve her anxieties and miseries. but i did something that makes her mood okay, to feel that im always here to make her day happy. i hope she had fun.

other than that, i said that i will say my intention to her, but i realised something, its been two months going three months we’re dating or bonding, i know she figured it out why im doing that to her… “ang bagay na dinaan sa madalian, madali rin mawawala” its been two or three months after your bday, i just want to build a strong foundation to say those words. shes a kind of girl not easy to get, a girl that guy must respect and care, a girl who deserves to be happy. so i decided not to rush her, i want to exert more effort for her, parang pagsibak ng kahoy, pag-iigib ng tubig for her bath, paglilinis ng bahay, or paglalaba ng kanyang damit… something like that, to show to her that im serious.

unlike to other guy, i want to be unique to her.  pansin ko lang sa ngayon, karamihan sa mga lalaki ngayon, minamadali nila ang isang babae, and the way they court a girl, parang the same, they tease a girl disregarding their responsibilities and others (just my opinion) something like that, PDA. i know every girl wants a romantic actions coming from a guy, may kilig sa kanila yun. gusto ko rin ipadama sa kanya ang ganun feeling, what makes me unique? i gave a new perspective, by helping to her studies, and to relieve out from her problems, anxieties, and miseries. help to her studies by giving some sources or giving her some ideas regarding to the matter, and some other to help. i found that building a relation is to help each other, and not always PDA thingy. maybe that makes a woman so special, so special. but just like ive said before gusto ko din maramdaman yung kilig by giving flowers and chocolates, lahat ng babae gusto yun.

now how to end this entry? hmmm sorry if i bothered you, sorry din kung nacocompare mo ko kay Vince, but im different to him. minsan nafi-feel ko na nakukulitan ka sa akin, sorry for that. we are not perfect, every actions we made there is always a good and bad, sorry if you looked bad, and promise to you in every good things ive done to you, it came from my heart. thanks once again. =)

Rule of Making Decision (Preservation of the Present vs. US)

decision is the hardest action to make of every individual, when they’re in a dilemma, they just cant pick between the two because both are seem important – like cheeseburgers of jolibee and mcdo, both are mouthwatering and indulging, and you must pick between the two, pick in which is favorable to your mouth and satisfaction.

but decision making is not like that, its an analogy, a representation of what is on the reality, its beyond cheeseburgers, in which present and future are bet to a gamble of nature. its like choosing where to go, both are good and comfortable way but different destination and you will never know if you can reach the end of the road – jumping at the edge of the falls without even knowing the depth of where to fall. as Socrates said “an unexamined life is not worth living” why socrates said that? how can we examine the future if i choose this way? or that way? its a way of gambling to examine life (the future).

According to Logic, we can see the effect of the future by setting a foundation of the present, for example, placing a piece of paper on fire, makes the paper burned. every person stated to their mind that it is always like that. Like choosing or making decision, we are always basing the present to attain the future, but it is not always like that, because there’s other possibilities that might affect and it will lead you back from the start.

Carl Hempel explained to his work Studies in the Logic of Explanation by using the term explanans and explanandum; in which the explanans consists the antecedent and the general laws (e.g. a characteristics of the paper before and after), while the explanandum which is a event describing the thing to be explained, but not the thing itself, because Hempel rejected metaphysics (e.g. a paper burned after placing in fire, but not always like that, theres other possibilities might happen, a paper are wet and not burned, something like that), part of the unfolding direction of the society which prone to error and permanent changes of the universal context, a mere observation of the result is just a partly correct to satisfy only of the immediate needs of our mind.

decision making is somehow can relate to this paradigm of logical explanation, when we are choosing a decision between our dilemmas, logic is functioning, for example, il choose this because this is me after i decide to take this. but without even knowing the possibilities might happen during your way to reach your ambition – something very metaphysical which makes your logic illogical.

i think we are giving a wrong usage of what metaphysics is, im not totally negating or eradicating metaphysics, we are just giving a wrong usage. future itself is metaphysics, use metaphysics as a ground to define what to do, the right thing to do, the right way to choose, and the best way to achieve your ambition in life. like basing what you feel right now, the happiness of the present, the comfortable part, and what or who is your inspiration to have a concrete base to decide.

last night around 2:45am someone called in the middle of the night asking “ano nakapag decide ka na ba?” before i go to sleep last night, i read a nice book A emotional Intelligence, and realized something (using my heart and mind) which brought to my answer…. i said “thank you for the offer, im happy right now, the way i feel it is once in a bluemoon, i got a average grades at school, and like i said before to you nang humingi ako ng permission sayo to court someone, i have this girl, a nice girl which turns my dedication and passion stepped into next level, she’s my inspiration at my works to get a high grades (will to power in a sense), i know its a one in a million chance – like alignment of whole planets and the stars of the universe, so i choose to stay, to have this situation is unique in my 22years of my life” i answered. i know i can reach my ambition by preserving what is in the present, like what Confucius said to me while reading his Doctrine of the Mean “dont focus to your goal, but instead focus to the mean” i admire this quote, because you cant see the future without practicing your way. something gives us a strong foundation of the present and let the effects of your means lead you to your future, its not about letting your ambition in destiny, not que sera sera, but with effort, passion and dedication, the right track on your means.

now its all about preserving my best to stay with you or change my direction miles away from you? its all about my future or you? i have chose you. the decision that i would never regret. thanks to you, french proverb said “there is no pillow so soft as a clear conscience”. now i can sleep well this night, with happy face, with nice feeling, because of you.

One in a Million… Effect of missing you.

my professor said way back before in psychology…

a night consists of millions of dreams!

millions but only one dream i have remembered…

because you are the reason behind that…

last night i had a dream… and its a nice dream – though its weird.

scene: we are classmates (i dont understand why we are classmates),  then one of our professor (i cant recognize whose professor) searching for you then ive visited you on your house, knocked and say “goodmorning po! nandiyan po ba si _______” then one of the person inside say “wait teka lang” then he called you… you came out with groovy hair haha with pambahay wearings, its cute…

then the scene was cut, then near at our house, in eskenita i saw you (maybe you are going to school, with nice wearings and good vibes on your face), then i asked you “hi! saan ka pupunta?” then i cant remember your response, i said “sabay na tayo” and you said “sige” then you came inside my house then wait for me… then suddenly….. i woke up!! GEEZ! i tried to sleep again, maybe theres a part 2 of my dream… then i failed to restore it…

its a weird story, but its true that if you miss someone, that person youve missed will visit you to your dreams…

if theres a part 2, il make sure that it will happen on reality and not by dreams…

though i miss you!